Sunday, November 13, 2011

Inside

{I wanted to share an experience I have had this last week. 
It's a bit personal but I thought it might help someone else out there.}
Women, are great! I'm sure most of us know that. We go through many things especially with our bodies. From the time I was 14 years old I knew that my body was going to cause me some problems during that favorite time of month.  you know, what I'm talking about, I went to the mother-daughter tea party when I was in sixth grade to let me know that my body was going to change and that I would have to keep track of a cycle on the calendar. who does that really?)The nurse told me that this would happen every month like clock work. Well come to find out it doesn't come the same time every month and it doesn't last the regular amount of time like it should. I found that this time made me feel like I had alien parts. None of my friends had the same problems. They could keep track and that they didn't go through the crazy pain. I would stay home from school, for a few days every month because the pain was so bad. 
When I was about 18 years old I went to OB for a check up and to get some birth-control pills. I felt scandalous since I wasn't having sex. He told me that I would feel better with the pills. They seemed to work for a short time but then I would have to change the pill to something else because the problems kept coming back. I was also told that children weren't going to be in my future. This made me sad because I wanted to be a mom and raise children. 
I continued to switch my pills about every 6 months. 
Before I got married I went again to talk to the OB about taking something else that would help. He offered the Depo shot. What a nasty little thing. I am sure it works for some but not for me. My mood was worse, I went from a sz 2 to sz 8 in three months. Yes, I didn't have to worry about a pill every morning but I still had a cycle and all the problems that come with it. I didn't get another one and went back to pills. I was told again by another DR., that if I was to get pregnant my body would change, things wouldn't be so bad. I did get pregnant and for 9 months I was happy. Though my body swelled up so much. After having my first child, the previous problems didn't calm down they came back with a vengeance. I didn't want an IUD at the time because I wanted to have another baby. When I got pregnant again my body enjoyed the reprieve from the monthly cycle. When my baby was one and we were on the fence,more me, than my husband of making a huge commitment in not having more children. I chose to go with the IUD this time.
That turned out to be a disastrous. The IUD was place wrong in my uterus and ended up poking through my uterus and getting caught on my Fallopian tube. The only way I found out about it was I was having an ultrasound and the nurse was questioning where the IUD went. My DR couldn't explain what happened. He asked me to come in and have a x-ray of my body taken. There they found it. Surgery was perform so that I could have it removed. Back to the pill. 
We finally made the decision that we were not having anymore kids. I wanted to get my uterus out of my body but the DR said that I was to young. But I was still having issues. I opted for a tube ligation and ablation for the inside of my uterus. I had heard that the ablation would take the cycle away.  I did it. I cried for weeks, knowing that I would never hold a precious baby in my arms that was mine. I hated my husband for not having the courage to get himself fixed. I thought this process would make me feel better. NO it made everything worse. I didn't know that my period could get any worse. It did and to the point where I was leaving work because of the pain. I couldn't keep this up anymore. I was over 30 now and figured that my DR would finally grant me my wish. 
6 days after my 33rd birthday. I went and had a hysterectomy. I wanted to feel vindicated that there had been something wrong all along. Something the Dr's couldn't find. Nope my uterus looked healthy nothing was wrong with it. There was no endometriosis, no cysts on my ovaries and no cancer. Nothing. Now there is nothing. Since my ovaries looked great they kept them in. No need to go through menopause just yet. 
I have always had a feeling that this would be my end result. That when I turned 30 that my body would start breaking down. It seems to me those feelings weren't right at all. Now there is nothing I can do but to be grateful for the children that I have. To love and cherish them. To try not to think of the what ifs or long for a child that will never come. The healing from the surgery is not to bad. I'm tired and I lay around lot. I hope that soon I will regain my strength and that I will be able to live a pain free life.

1 comment:

Lauren and Jason said...

I'm sorry that you've had to go through such a terrible struggle. It makes me cry. I wish I could be there to help you and hug you and cry with you. You are such an amazing person, Rhiannon. You have an amazing family. Mike is so great to you and your kids are so wonderful as well. I hope you feel better and at peace with your decision. I love you so much!